top of page

Being Alone.

As I mentioned in my previous blog post about being honest. I’ve had some really low points over the past eight months as I’ve struggled with my health. One of the lowest points for me was when I was trying to board my 24 hr flight to Australia at the end of March.

I was down at Heathrow airport and I couldn't even stand up. I was having to sit on the floor and push my luggage along as I waited to check in. At one point I thought I was going to faint and throw up all at the same time. I seriously contemplated crawling along the floor.

I had no strength, and just standing and holding a handbag was draining for me. My big fear while I was waiting to check in, was they would take one look at me and not allow me on the flight. I looked horrendous; bloodshot eyes, lank hair, grey skin, pale, shaking, weak. I was not in a good way at all and I’m sure the other people in the queue were trying to avoid me as well. I would have done the same thing.

I managed to dig deep and pull some small module of strength together from somewhere; stand up and get my bags checked in. As soon as I had checked in, I rounded a corner away from the desk and collapsed onto a bench partly out of relief of having got so far, and partly because if I didn’t sit down I was going to fall down.

I had to stay there for about ten minutes, my head was still spinning like crazy, I was dizzy, but I needed to move and get through security. I couldn’t walk without holding onto something to support me. I was using the walls and anything that could help me to retain my balance. I just had to keep on moving and get through security as quickly as possible.

I had never felt this horrendous before and every single thing I had to do, was a massive effort. Finding my passport, holding my boarding card, taking off my coat, my belt and my shoes. It was draining me, I was just exhausted and had no energy to do these simple tasks.

When I finally started to board the plane I knew I was getting close to my own personal finishing line. All I had to do now was get to my seat. Once there I knew I didn’t have to do anything else for the next twenty four hours. It was all going to be ok.

I made it onto the plane and made it to my seat. This was possibly one of the hardest challenges I’ve ever had to do. It drained me both mentally and physically. I just didn’t know what was wrong with me and why I was feeling this way. My body was shutting down on me and I had no idea why. No one could tell me and no one could help me. I felt alone and I felt helpless.

bottom of page